I could make wine with my vomit
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
