Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
