I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
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It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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