"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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