from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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