I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
