So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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