Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
