No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
