dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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