Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
