We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
