i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
