how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
