Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
