Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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