capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Two words: blizzard sex
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
