she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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