Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
