I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
