you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
