At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
