Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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