it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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