I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Brb crying the tears of my youth
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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