I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
