The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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