i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
