I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
