Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
