his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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