My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
