I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
