If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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