I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
