No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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