you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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