On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
