half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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