Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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