He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
