Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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