When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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