so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
