mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
