I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
