last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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