I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
