I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
