so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
