I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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