I'm lost and stupid without you.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
