when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
