this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
