Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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