Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
two words: eviction party
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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