I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
