My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
