I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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